HomoGaysbian by Benda Aneh

http://bendaaneh.blogspot.com/2008/02/salahkah-mereka.html

Again, my current favorite site, Boikotlah! came up with another post and this time around, it revolves around Homosexuality and (again) Hujan. Again, I am not standing by any side here. Neutralist, I am. But I think, instead of seeing things from one perspective, let's tilt our head into a different direction. We have heard what the pejuang hak homoseksual have to say. And now, let us hear what a Homo herself have to say.

FYI people, this is NOT my own writing. It's merely an excerpt of my all time favorite non-fiction, I Am Muslim written by Dina Zaman. I just find it irresistable for me to type it all, bit-by-bit, after reading the recent posting in Boikotlah!

I Am Muslim is one hell of a good book and if you still have even an itsy bitsy passion for reading, spending RM30 is nothing compared to what you will gain by buying this magnificent writing from Dina Zaman.

This excerpt for me, will answer to all prejudice and EVEN the non-prejudice.



I did communicate with one reader. She kindly agreed to the email interview
below:

When did you realize you were gay? Were you conscious of it?
Did you know what it was?

To be honest I don’t really know if I am gay. I know I am attracted to women, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically. More than I am attracted to men, that’s for sure, although I wont deny I am attracted to men too. Being with women makes me feel safer, makes me feel more confident. Men just… scare me. On some level I suppose I’ve always known, on another I’ve been in denial. In terms of accepting it as a fact of life, I don’t think I’ve even accepted that word: gay.

I just tell my friends- those who know lah, and there are not that many- I’m not quite so straight. I went to an all girls’ boarding school; but I was sort of popular,
was a school jock, I got girls then. But I figured that it was just a phase, you
read a lot about it in books about growing up, about attachment to members of
the same sex, and they say it’s normal. Ten years after high school and you’re
still stuck in that place, you start thinking, are this still a phase, or are
you not quite who people think you are?

What is your background? How were you brought up?

My background- middle class suburban Malay, I live in a predominantly Malay area. I come form a very religious background, but very liberal as well. My parents made sure I kept to my five prayers, I don’t drink, and I don’t do the normal KL lifestyle thing: no dancing, no clubbing. Worst of my vices is probably teh tarik.

But my parents taught us to be open-minded; we read a lot, we were allowed to ask
questions and often were given straight answers. They also operated on the basis
of trust- they just assumed we told the truth at all times. I spent my childhood
abroad, then boarding school, then abroad again.

How do you feel now? What is your struggle like?

Most of the time, confused. I am trying to define who I am, not just in the eyes of the world, but in the eyes of god. I talk to some people, they say to me, if you’re gay, you’re gay, just embrace it. I can’t; I think a lot about religion. It’s clear that no
conventional religion in the world accepts homosexuality, not just those of the
Abrahamic tradition. That underlines to me how wrong this is the eyes of religion.

I know it’s the 21st century, I know religion is uncool, but I am a Muslim. I say the Syahadah, I submit, so I play by the rules. That is my commitment. I don’t own my life, god does. But I also have human needs; I want to be in a relationship, I am a sappy romantic at heart despite my exterior. I see people walking together holding hands, I want that too. But with whom? If it’s another girl, then what am I risking? Where is the line that religion draws? Therein lies the conflict.

You mentioned once you may just succumb to that life and then repent. What’s stopping you?

The fact that I might not be led back to repent. It’s easy when you say it, Alah tua nanti aku taubat la (I’ll repent when I’m older) but how do you know for sure that you will be led back? There are no certainties in life; and my fear lies in the fact that I would be so lost; I can never find my way back. So I try to keep on the straight and narrow, hard as it may be. Spiritual aspects of my life mean a lot more to me than the here and now.

Obviously wearing the hijab is not a deterrent. How do you reconcile with the image and perception? Do you feel guilty?

I think wearing the hijab has deterred me from a few things. While I’ve accepted
the fact that I am not as straight as people think I am, I’ve never done
anything about it. I’ve not actually pursued a relationship with another woman,
for instance, since I left school. I’ve thought about it, obviously, but wearing the hijab somehow reminds me that I am a Muslim first, and if Islam prohibits this there must be a reason why, even though sometimes it may not make sense to me. ‘Islam itu syumul, kita yang tak’ is what I say to myself a lot. I don’t go out to gay bars, I don’t seek out woman to date, I don’t do personal ads.

Internally there is a lot of conflict between the person people think I am, and who I am learning to accept myself to be. Because of my religious upbringing, people sometimes ask me stuff about fadhu ain, hukum hakam agama (the basics and principles of religion), and also sometimes I get asked to lead prayers (women only congregations, I am no Amina Wadud!) I haven’t done that in a long while, though, I keep fighting with myself, because I am unclear how Islam views someone like me: admittedly not straight but not living a homosexual lifestyle either. Am I living in sin? Who can I ask about this, I have no idea.

I read a lot, and the advice seems to circulate around the fact that if I don’t want to go to hell then I should repent, leave behind the lifestyle and get married. I have no ‘lifestyle’ to leave behind- I think I am a pretty conservative modern Muslim. As for
marriage, it’s all fine and dandy, but if men just don’t do it for me, then what
on earth would marriage be for me and whoever my husband will be, if not one
massive heartbreak?

As for guilt- in the beginning there was a lot of guilt. I wasn’t quite sure where I stood in the eyes of god. I felt very distant from god for a while, even though I was still praying and reading the Quran as I always had. I thought a lot, and then I asked, what sin have I committed?

If I felt a certain way towards women, then there must be a reason- be it psychological or biological, I’ve never really wondered about which- but there must be a reason: something as simple as this being a test from Him. Nowadays I am trying to regain the closeness with Him I once felt.

Can you live with a woman and not have sex?

I suppose. But if I fancied this woman, and there are feelings, even if I’d never
act on it, there would be a lot of associated guilt. I’d want to clear this with
scholars first. If Islam allowed it, then I’d have no problem with it. I’ve
never had sex before, so I don’t really know what I’m missing, ha ha.

Can you live with a man?

If I trusted him, yes. If he can accept me warts and all, then yes. But again, this is not something tried and tested. I am open to the idea of living with a man; but when push comes to shove, I still don’t know. I am uncomfortable with the idea of marriage in Malay society- the man as the provider, the woman as the carer; I’m not sure I fit
that mould.

What is stopping you? Really.

Religion. I live my life by the rules of religion. What religion allows, I do, what it
disallows, I try and stay clear.

How would you advise other women? Do you have friends that are like you?

I don’t even know if I am sin the right place to advise anyone, given my own state of mind. I think sexuality is something very personal; I am not in the right place to judge how others should react towards theirs. I’ve never really asked my friends if they are gay. Those that are, seem to be comfortable with their lifestyles as gay men
and women. But there must be other like me, I can’t be the only one, I’m not
THAT special.

If you could have anything, if you could put religion aside, would you embrace your homosexuality?

That’s a very big if. I can’t ever put religion aside, so there is really no question about that. But if religion allowed it- then bring it on! Look out girls, ha ha ha.

It is said that the Quran clearly states that gay men are to be abhorred but there is no mention of lesbianism. What do you say?

I think homosexuality is homosexuality. It may refer to gay men, but that may just
be translation and the use of the male nouns and verbs; I think it still applies
to women. Although I know in syariah law, women who sleep with other women isn’t
punished as severely as men- something about keeping them captive until they see
the error of their ways, or something like that. Hey, if there is a loophole
somewhere… I am all ears!


At the end of the day, one may question one’s self: does sexuality choose you or do you choose who you want to be?